Donut Wars Episode I: Menace in Manhattan
by Ryan Phelan
Summary: The Shredder has come up with his most diabolical plan yet!  Will the turtles be able to stop him this time?  Find out in this thrilling tale!


**Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT. Now that I've satisfied the requirements to write without being sued or yanked off the internet by the cyberspace police, enjoy the story.**

Donut Wars Episode I: Menace in Manhattan

New York City…it's a cool place to visit and an even cooler place to live. Every day its average citizens go about their routine lives, unaware that they are under the watchful eye of four protectors…Leonardo, the really boring leader, Donatello the annoyingly smart science geek, Raphael, the loudmouth poopy head, and Michelangelo, the most handsome, popular, and all around greatest guy ever. Together they were the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

We join our heroes in their secret underground turtle lair, where we find them engaged in yet another long training session with their beloved Sensei, a mutant rat named Splinter. He had found the turtles when they were babies and raised them as his sons. Sure, he gave long lectures that didn't make any sense and his fur often clogged the shower drain, but the turtles loved and respected him anyway.

That day Splinter had the turtles standing on their heads. "In today's lesson, my sons, you will learn to fight upside down. And before you ask why, it is because a ninja must always be prepared to fight under any circumstances. You never know when an enemy will send you to a dimension where everyone walks on their hands."

With that he swung his walking stick at Leo; as usual, Mr. Perfect blocked it with ease. Splinter then swung at Don, who was too busy daydreaming about quantum mechanics or something and got whacked. Splinter went on to take a swing at Raph, who grabbed the stick.

"Hah! Think you can get the drop on me, you stupid stick! Think again!" He then attempted to beat it up, but Splinter pulled the stick away.

"Enough, Raphael!" He snapped. He turned and took a shot a Mikey, who blocked it. Again and again Splinter struck but Mikey blocked it every time, with his eyes closed just to make it challenging.

"Well done, Michelangelo," Splinter said, beaming with pride. "You are my best student!"

This caused Leonardo to turn green (well, greener) with envy. He quickly stood on one hand. "Look, Master Splinter! I can fight with one hand! Try me! Please?"

Before Splinter could respond a loud alarm shrieked and red lights flickered throughout the lair. "What the hell-I mean, what the shell is going on?" Raph yelled.

"It's the Turtle Alarm!" Donny yelled over the noise. "I invented it this morning! It goes off whenever a crime is being committed!"

"What are we waiting for?" Mikey yelled. "Let's go!" And faster than you can say "turtle power!" the turtles were off and running.

Meanwhile across town several Purple Dragons were robbing a bakery.

"Hurry up old man!" A Dragon named Spike snarled to the guy behind the counter. "Put all of your donuts in the bag!"

The terrified old guy did as he was told as Spike's buddies trashed the place, breaking the tables and chairs and spraying graffiti all over everything.

"Done!" A guy named Meat exclaimed. He stepped back to admire his work. On the wall was a picture of a dragon with the words PURPUL DRAGINS RULE.

"Dude, that's not how you spell purple dragons," his friend with an equally stupid name said.

"How would you know?" Meat snapped. His eyes narrowed. "Unless you went to school. You haven't been to school lately, have you bro?"

"N-no!" Stupid Name Guy gulped, feeling the eyes of the others on him. "I dropped out of the second grade."

"Good," Spike said. "You know the Dragons have a strict admission policy. No one with a third grade education or higher allowed."

"I'm not smart, I swear!" Stupid Name gulped. "I'm an idiot! I don't know Shakespeare from Chaucer." He clapped his hand over his mouth, but it was too late.

"Get him!" Spike yelled. The other Dragons were about to jump their buddy when the turtles made their usual dramatic entrance, crashing through the window and striking really cool ninja poses.

"Now, now, boys, too many sweets will go right to your hips," Mikey said.

"Can we just skip the wisecracks and get to the fighting?" Raph snapped. He lunged at Spike. His brothers quickly followed. Since you already know who wins, let's skip ahead to the next scene.

Back at Shredder's fortress, the Purple Dragons cowered before their boss and his henchmen Hun. "We're so sorry, Master Shredder," Spike gulped. "We had the goods, but then the turtles showed up! You know we're no match for them, especially that incredibly smart, witty and handsome turtle Michelangelo!" Just the mention of Mikey's name made the other Dragons shudder.

"I am so sick of your excuses!" Shredder said. He turned to his ninjas. "Take them away and do something really horrible to them! But make sure you do it off screen so we don't warp the minds of the children watching the show and make their parents write angry letters!"

As the ninjas dragged the Dragons out of the room (who, by the way, were screaming like little girls), Shredder got up and began to pace. "Curse that Michelangelo! He's always ruining my plans! And his brothers, too…whatever there names are."

"Please forgive me, Master, but what sort of plan involves donuts?" Hun asked.

"I was hungry. Bad guys need to eat too you know!" Shredder snapped. "I was really looking forward to a nice Boston Cream…but never mind that now! We need a plan that will destroy those turtles once and for all! Any ideas?"

Hun thought very hard for a minute. "We could build a giant aquarium and lure the turtles into it with heads of lettuce. Then we drop it off a cliff!"

Shredder stared at his lackey. "Hun, that has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"Well, you didn't hire me for my brains," Hun shrugged.

"No, that's what I'm here for," A one-eyed Baxter Stockman said as he entered the room in his wheelchair. "I'm the most brilliant person on the planet!"

"We know, Stockman!" Shredder growled. "You tell us every five minutes! But you have yet to prove it! None of your inventions have succeeded in eliminating the turtles!"

"A minor setback which I will soon remedy," Stockman said. "My latest invention is so ingenious that I amaze even myself! I just need to run a field test and my brilliant creation will be ready to make turtle soup out of those freaks! Then I'll take over the world and everyone will bow down before my genius! And Mary Sue will rue the day she stood me up at the junior prom! BWAHA HA HA HA!" Baxter dissolved into a fit of mad scientist laughter.

"Focus, Stockman!" Shredder snapped. "I want that invention tested now! You can pick up where Hun's incompetent thugs failed! I want you to hit every bakery in Manhattan and steal every donut you can lay your hands on! And hurry, I'm starving!"

"Donuts?" Baxter scoffed. "You're wasting my super big brain on donuts? Of all the idiotic things you've made me do, this is by far the most…" Baxter was interrupted by a hard smack to the back of the head.

"For someone so smart you sure don't know when to keep your mouth shut." Hun said.

"Big talk from a mouth-breathing ignoramus!" Baxter snapped. "You won't be so smug when my invention serves up the turtles' heads on a silver platter!"

"Why you…" Hun raised his hand again.

"ENOUGH!" Shredder yelled. Baxter and Hun quickly snapped to attention. "You two stooges quit fooling around and get to work before I rip out your spines and beat you with them! Off screen, of course, but I will do it because I'm just that evil! NOW GO!"

Baxter and Hun scurried away. Back at the turtle lair, the guys were enjoying some much needed R&R.

"Who wants to play some video games?" Mikey yelled as he plopped down on the couch with his pizza.

"Nah, that sounds like too much fun," Leo said. "I'm going to go practice. It wouldn't hurt you guys to put in some extra sessions. Like Master Splinter always says, blah blah blah blah blah…" (Okay, Leo didn't really say blah blah blah, but you gotta know when to tune him out).

"I'm gong to go invent stuff," Donny said, disappearing into his lab.

"I'm going into the dojo to punch things!" Raph said.

Master Splinter walked by. "Master Splinter, would you like to play video games?" Mikey asked.

"No thank you, my son." Splinter replied. "I am going to my room to meditate."

"Again? That's the third time today!"

"I'm an old mutant rat ninja master. What else am I going to do, go bar hopping?" Not expecting an answer, Splinter went into his room and shut the door.

Alas, poor Mikey never got a chance to play his beloved video games, because at that moment the Turtle Alarm blared for the second time that day. The turtles sighed heavily and went off to save the day again. What a pain in the shell. Don't bad guys ever take a vacation? Maybe then they wouldn't be so cranky all the time. And what about all of the Foot ninjas? Do they get vacation time? How about medical and dental? And where does Shredder find these guys anyway? Does he put ads in the paper that read, "Evil Ninja Master bent on world domination seeks recruits for evil ninja army, must pledge blind obedience to the Foot and take regular beatings from mutant turtles?" Come to think of it, what kind of name is the Foot for an evil ninja army? Doesn't exactly inspire fear. Now the Bloody Blades of Doom, that's a scary name…but we're getting off track here. Back to the story!

The turtles arrived downtown at the remains of the Big Apple Bakery. It was a grisly sight; baked goods were strewn everywhere, and a river of coffee flowed into the sewer drain with a sickening gurgle.

"Who or what could have done this?" Leo asked no one in particular.

"We can ask these cockroaches!" Don replied as he bent over a pile of cinnamon raisin bagels crawling with them. "I'll use the Roach Translator I invented yesterday!" He pulled a small bullhorn out of his duffel bag and aimed it at the disgusting insects. "Hey, fellas, did you see what happened?" He asked through the mouthpiece.

The other turtles watched with morbid fascination as Donny and the insects engaged in a seemingly lively conversation. It went on for almost five minutes until Raph finally spoke up.

"Well, what are they saying! Tell 'em they better not jerk us around or I'll break every one of their tiny legs!" Raph slammed his fist into his palm for dramatic effect.

"Huh?" Don said, snapping out of it. "Oh, sorry. We were trading Big Bang theories. These guys are the most interesting bugs I've ever talked to." He stood up. "They said a big scary robot did it."

"Well that's helpful," Mikey said. "Too bad we don't have a Big Scary Robot Tracking Device."

"Sure we do!" Don said, pulling a pair of tricked-out goggles from his duffel bag. "I invented it last week." He put them on and scanned the area. "All robots emit chemical compounds called blah blah blah blah…" (Donny isn't being tuned out; it's just that no one else speaks Geek).

"Who cares how it works? Just hurry up!" Raph said. "I haven't punched anything in almost ten minutes!"

"That way!" Don yelled, pointing west.

The turtles immediately headed in that direction, following a trail of devastated bakeries until they came to the end of the line…a large, dark, suspicious warehouse. Quietly they went inside, and their jaws dropped at an incredible sight they saw.

Sitting right before their eyes was a mountain of donuts, stretching all the way to the ceiling! And sitting on the top of the heap was none other than The Shredder!

"Ha Ha, Michelangelo! You've fallen into my diabolical trap!" Shredder cried. "And the rest of you, too," he added, waving a dismissive hand at the other turtles.

"Surrender the donuts, Shredder!" Mikey said. "Those tasty deep-fried treats are for the enjoyment of all the good and decent citizens of New York!"

"NEVER!" Shredder thundered. "I am the Donut King! Today the donuts, tomorrow the world! NINJAS ATTACK!"

Dozens of ninjas appeared out of nowhere. But they weren't the ordinary generic ninjas the turtles were used to fighting; these were Super-Mega-Foot-Tech-ninjas! Three of the turtles soon found themselves overwhelmed by the ninjas' superior strength.

"They're too powerful!" Leo cried as his katanas bounced off a ninja's battle armor.

"Why did I leave my Super Ninja Freeze Ray at home?" Don wailed.

"Why didn't I pick a real weapon instead of these stupid sais?" Raph yelled in frustration right before he was knocked into a wall.

"Hang on, guys, help is on the way!" Mikey yelled. Having used his awesome nunchucks to defeat the ninjas attacking him, he ran to help his brothers. He tore through the ninjas like an orange hurricane, sparing none from his Spinning Wood of Fury. It was over in seconds; Mikey stood triumphantly amid piles of battered and groaning ninjas.

"YAY MIKEY!" His brothers cheered.

"Curse you Michelangelo!" Shredder shouted. "You will not leave here alive! I know I always say that but this time I really mean it! STOCKMAN!"

The entire warehouse began to tremble as something really big approached. Suddenly the side of the warehouse was torn away and the turtles found themselves face-to-face with a giant fighting robot.

"Surprise, freaks!" A familiar voice said from within the robot's head. "I, Baxter Stockman, the smartest man in the world, will crush you with my greatest invention ever! And once I've proven my intellectual prowess, girls will have to talk to me!"

"Wrong on both counts, Stockman!" Mikey yelled. "Come on bros, let's make scrap metal out of this wind-up toy!"

"Yeah!" The turtles replied in unison. The robot tensed, ready to strike, as did the turtles. After a dramatic pause, the two sides lunged.

What happened next, you ask? Well, dear reader, we may never know, for just as the author was about to write an amazing way cool climactic battle scene, his nosey brother Raphael came over to the computer where he was typing this masterpiece and started reading over his shoulder. As Raph read he grew more and more dismayed, as it was obvious this story was much, much better than anything he could ever come up with.

"It is not!" Raph exclaimed, obviously jealous of his brother's superior talent. "I am not!" He snapped, growing angrier with every word he read. "Quit writing down everything I say! Stop it! I mean it, Mikey, knock it off or I'll…" Raph trailed off, lacking the imagination needed to finish his threat. Then again, imagination isn't one of his strengths.

Mikey could hear Raph grinding his teeth and feel his hot stinky breath on the back of his neck. Raph was really angry now; how much further could Mikey push him before he blew? Perhaps if he also started making fun of his fighting skills, comparing them to a fish flopping on the bottom of a boat, or a giraffe with a sprained anduewlig


End file.
